Pay no attention to the man behind the act.

So today, Ben and I put the finishing touches on two new tracks our band recorded. We recorded a couple vocal backs and a guitar track, just to fill in a spot that I thought needed it. It sounded great on JG's stereo, after we had mastered it and burned a copy. Tommorrow we get to see how it sounds on local radio. The vocals sounded a little weak on Colin's car stereo but we took it to the strip bar(mostly because I wanted to hear it on a big system but partially because I wanted to see a couple of my friends dance to it) and the vocals were WAY FUCKING UP FRONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I checked their levels and they seemed balanced for most of the stuff they were playing so it's obviously the recording. It was cool though. All in all a decent night. We'll wait to see how it ends up.

Paradoxosalpha has good ideas. Such as....
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.

"But there is more to be said and done in this matter of awakening to a realisation of the 'I'."

from Raja Yoga or Mental Development by Yogi Ramacharaka
Published by Yogi Publication Society, 1906

I woke up at 5:45 this morning and attended a rally where I was seated about 25 feet from John Kerry. My tickets ruled!!! I really do lead a charmed life, sometimes. Long story short, I believe in alot of what the man says. I will be voting for him. I need healthcare. I need lower taxes. I need to be able to afford college and to not worry about social security and whether or not our children are being well educated. I need assurance that the working class will not only have healthcare but decent paying jobs that aren't being given to workers overseas. I need a job that will allow me to work more than 30 hours a week, that's NOT in the service industry and that provides me with health insurance and a competitive wage. These are all things he made promises about. If it's all lipservice, at least he's saying it. That's more than I can say for Dubya. If Kerry makes good on even one of these promises, that'll be more than Bush has done for me in the last four years. This guy comes off as a real person. Not a moron, not a half-wit.

Eighth row from the (hopefully) next president. I could've hit him with a spitwad. Good luck, Senator.

"Do I sound mad? Well I guess I'm a little pissed.
Every action has a point, five points make a fist.
You close 'em, you swing 'em, it hurts when it hits.
And the truth can be a bitch, but if the boot fits...
I've got an idea, you should get a tattoo that says WARNING, that's it just WARNING
So the potential victim can take a left and save breath, and avoid you, sober and upset in the morning.
I want to say fuck you Lucy,
But the truth is that I love you Lucy,
So I'll just finish my drink and have another,
While you think about how you used to be my Lover."

Atmosphere--"Fuck You Lucy"

"Gotta Lotta Walls"

Dialed up his homie Murs on the telephone
Gotta talk to somebody who can tell him what the hell is wrong
Brain freezing up, he don't know what to do
But the people that know him know that it ain't nothing new
Catch five rings, then an answering machine
Hang up on the beep, stare up towards the ceiling
Stood up to remember that he slept fully-dressed
So he grabbed his keys and put a hat on his rat's nest
Stepped up to that big outside
Somebody once said "Today's a good day to die."
But he never really was a big fan of their work
So he starts up the walk by kicking sand in the dirt
A friend to the strangers, a stranger to friends
He'll take a coffee and a pack of cigarettes when you have a minute
Handle it. Paid up. The change, you can keep it
He's a sucker for the morning smile and summer cleavage
If you knew him better he'd ask for some time
Cuz he's looking for a reservoire to empty his mind
And there's only so much he can put in a song
Gotta talk to somebody who can tell him what the hell is wrong

[Hook 2X]
And this house has gotta lotta walls
But only very few mean anything to you
And this house has gotta lotta walls
But only very few mean anything to you

No shop value to titillate
Far from shallow, so get it straight
Blacktop, sidewalk,and the street
Cuz life is priceless and talk is cheap
And as he sits (as he sits) in his four-cornered room
Following a tune, born to consume
Carefully learning and analyzing the lyrics you use
Finally realizing that humility is a bruise
Scared love don't make none
If these walls could speak, they would peep about the fake ones
Watching this man, falling off of his plan-
Underachievin' just so he can understand. (Crazy reverse speech.)

[Hook]

So, who did your tattoos?
That's nice
And who built your tabboos?
That's life
If he had a glass pipe, he would smash it and use it to slash his wrists
But someone already beat him to it
He would fingerpaint you a picture with his blood
A self-portrait, dramatic and morbid
But the odds of you finding any appreciation are too slim-
Keeps his outlook grim
Tap his foot to the rhythm of original sin
Throw his balls to the wind trying to know down these pins
He'll keep swinging from the hair above his chin
Till he finds his soul in the fifty cent bin
The price of the payphone escalates
Fake smile when he takes home one of his dates
He could write another hate-poem for you to break
Or maybe stay calm and wait for that big earthquake
Still surrounded by the fire and the water
Still trying to honor this empire's daughter
Still answering questions you're afraid to ask
Still believing that God's gonna save his ass

[Hook]

If you knew him better he'd ask for some time
Cuz he's looking for a reservoire to empty his mind
And there's only so much he can put in a song
Gotta talk to somebody who can tell him what the hell is wrong

Ya gotta love Slug and the boys.

So, the last time that Boston made it to the world series was in 1986. That's 18 years ago. Guess who pitched game 7 for the Sox. Yep. Roger Clemons. Game 7 victory in ALCS 1986, Roger Clemons. Since he turned 40, in 84 starts, he's 44-16. That's fucking phenomenal!!! Much less being 43, coming out of retirement, and opening the season at 9-3. I hated him with the Yankees. I like him just fine with anyone else. Can anyone say Cy Young # 7? He's sure as hell a prime candidate.

Edit: Brother lost it in the bottom of the sixth. They should've pulled him two batters ago at least.

This was a weird weekend. It would seem that the women are coming out of the woodwork. Friday night I went out with a girl names Laura who is very much into horror fiction(i.e. Stephen King, Dean Koontz, H.P. Lovecraft) and cheesy B-horror flicks and reptiles, so we had some common interests to talk about. We went to the local white-trash bar to see this horrible/awesome eighties/nineties cover band featuring a drum kit bigger than most people's vehicles. We then went to the strip bar(I thought of you, knight_monk) and ended the evening with a 3 a.m. breakfast at a local diner.

I worked 8-5 Saturday and while I was at work this really cute girl named Alicia came in and asked me if I wanted to go out while she was in town. Alicia is a buxom young lady with beautiful eyes and lips and an even more beautiful singing voice. We ended up going to a local pub and shooting pool and bumping into a bunch of folks she knew which indirectly created a load of drama. Luckily my midget buddy and his wife were there and we stood to the side and observed the drama, all the while, laughing and making fun. It was at this moment that I met Sarah. Alicia got drunk and wanted to go home so I bade her farewell and started talking to Sarah.

Sarah and I ended up conversing for the next couple hours on everything from polarity to yoga to (get this!) Iowa Hawkeyes football and NCAA football in general. We left the bar, went for a nice drive in the country, came back to my place and hung out for a bit.

Sunday night Sarah and I went out and had a couple cocktails while Karaoke-ing. She works part time at Penney's, is a Coast Guard reservist, and goes to school full time for pre-med. She also judges high school debate on the weekends and has really nice, full lips. We had a few reasonably decent conversations and I may actually see her again. She called me today and we talked for a bit while I cooked myself dinner. I'll at least hang out with her on Saturdays and watch football. It's weird, the only friend I have that watches football is a girl. Now, before everyone jumps down my throat about that statement let me say that there are more men that watch football than women. It's just a fact. It doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else, it's just the way it is.

I sure like them girls.

A certain someone and I recently "hijacked" another friend's LJ with loads and loads of cock-rock lyrics in the hopes of filling his inbox with loads of junkmail. What I DIDN'T notice was that he was REPLYING to all MY comments, thereby filling MY inbox as well. So I'm neither observent nor computer savvy. This will be remembered good sir. We shall meet again, someday soon.

So at the nagging, err, I mean, encouraging of Scarlet Serpent I have decided to post an update. Where to begin?.....

WELL, I've been struggling with a slight bout of depression over a girl(as if anyone didn't know) and therefore I haven't been drinking. It's been close to a month since she left me, and it occurred to me after she left that every time this has ever happened to me I immedietly go on a three month bender and fuck random women every night of the week that I pick up at the bar. Why have I done this? To cope. I decided that this had to end RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

So I went three weeks without a drink, and have had a beer or two a couple times since then but NOT because I needed them. So, you may ask, what have I learned from all this? The question is, what am I learning?

Well, for starters, I'm learning to cope with the things that I feel, to take responsibility for these things, to appreciate them for what they are, and not run away. I think I've really got an issue with denial and detatchment. I've been contemplating fear and how I cope with that and I've come to the conclusion that a good deal of it(all of it) stems from a fear of loss, leaving, death, change etc.

I've come to rely on things other than myself. When it comes right down to it, I'm all I have. As depressing as it may sound, it's been kind of an epiphany. I love my Brothers and Sisters and I cannot even begin to thank you for all your support but it's up to me when it comes right down to it.

A very good friend(you know who you are) encouraged me, a few weeks ago, to have a conversation with myself. And I haven't stopped since. I CAN listen to myself. Truly amazing. It's helped me a good deal to start to get comfortable with myself, once again.

So the issue at hand is this: non-attachment versus detachment. On one hand, I could forget/bury/deny all emotion, all sensation. But I like to feel. I've been more productive, musically, in the last three weeks than I have in the last three years. On the other hand, there is this voice in the back of my head and half the time it's telling me how transient and shallow these emotions are. The other half of the time it laughs at me. I think I am getting the joke.

Everything that is born dies. I take a strange sort of security in that. Proud to go to sleep at night. And proud to wake up. Work to do.

I've been really high on myself this last week or so as well. The songs I've been recording are turning into more than I ever dreamed. I rock. My studio engineer rocks.
I still have my days. Some days I feel confident and sure of myself. Some days I need support. I feel no shame in saying that. Thanks for being there. I appreciate it. Thank you, Adonai. Deep breathing. Deep conversations with myself. A deeper understanding of what makes me tick and even some direction toward what I may need to do FOR myself. Like I said, I still have my days, but I know I'm in a healthy headspace.

Oh, and I caught two HUGE FREAKIN BASS today. One was about two pounds and the other I think was closer to three. 15" and 18-19" respectively. Not bad for a guy who's never INTENTIONALLY fished bass before.
And at 9:30 A.M. I'm going to play with a new drummer!
Life is.

Anyone in the market for a reasonably attractive Thelemic, musically inclined, artistic, romantic, semi-responsible 29 year old male?

All offers will be carefully considered.
Fellow Thelemites get first dibs.

And sometimes moves me to tears. It's not simply the sullen tone of his recordings, it's much more. Hearing it, one can sense his deep feelings of confidence or insecurity, of love and of loss. This album,"Secrets of the Beehive", has gotten me through alot of tough times. As rough and sad as it may seem, there is always a glimmer of hope in what he produces.
These are the lyrics to one of my favorites, a song called "Waterfront".

On the banks of a sunset beach
Messages scratched in sand
Beneath a roaming home of stars
Young boys try their hand
A spanish harbouring of sorts
In catalonian bars
They were pulled from a sinking ship
And saved for last

On the waterfront the rain
Is pouring in my heart
Here the memories come in waves
Raking in the lost and found of years
And though i'd like to laugh
At all the things that led me on
Somehow the stigma still remains

Watch the train steam full ahead
As it takes the bend
Empty carriages lose their tracks
And tumble to their end
So the world shrinks drop by drop
As the wine goes to your head
Swollen angels point and laugh
"this time your god is dead"

On the waterfront the rain
Is pouring in my heart
Here the memories come in waves
Raking in the lost and found of years
And though i'd like to laugh
At all the things that led me on
Somehow the stigma still remains

Is our love strong enough?

So recently I've been writing and recording a good deal of music. Here's the newest, hopefully it'll be done by the middle of next week.

My Angel, Epiphany
Sunshine
Beauty, You pretty thing
Love by the wayside
This Holy discovery
Swept up by the current, so we
Raise our glass, a toast to you
The Sea

I'm pulled in by my bootstraps
Surrounded by an Ocean
Swimming in it's current
Without a thought for dry land
Released into her body
Drunk apon the Rapture
Now still, and reflecting the Sun

Waves pounding a deserted beach
Drinking in the sweet scent
Of giving life and taking it
Lost in sweet abandon
Her poetry, and sanctity
Drawing on the Absolute
This drowning is all I'll ever need

Tumultuous Longevity
Constantly surrounding me
The land, it seems so distant
And that's where it can stay
Then He breaks on the horizon and
She breathes him in like Rapture
Now still and reflecting the Sun

Today I watched a little football and played some basketball with my sister. It felt really good to exercise even a bit.

We then went to her workplace(Outback) and ate dinner at 50% off. I had lambchops. I love lambchops. Rare. And no drinks.

We then went to a private party at my workplace and everyone was loaded. I had a good time but we only spent about an hour there. It's strange but I REALLY wanted a drink. It seemed alien not to have one. But I didn't.

I'm also starting to think that my reactions to situations and events may be due to a good deal of social programming. I found today that when I watched television I got more and more depressed. Maybe it was just the constant reminders.

Less TV=good. More exercise=good.

Still can't sleep.

So the events of the last week have made me seriously ask the question, "What the fuck is in the air?"

My g/f breaks up w/me last Wednesday. My friend Mandy's b/f apparently beat the living shit out of her two days ago. Last night I guess my sister's b/f smacked her across the face. My friend and his wife also had a 3 a.m. shouting match. You know the type, "I'm leaving and not coming back!"

So what gives?
Did I mention that all of these events with the exception of my own, involved alcohol.
Wow, you know, in comparison, maybe I'm not such a bad guy.

Something to add to the list of stupidest things I've ever done:

Tonight at work one of the other cooks bet me 20 bucks that I couldn't eat an entire tablespoon of cinnamon in one bite. The catch was that I couldn't drink any water to wash it down for one minute. I then had to prove that I had swallowed it all(except for the remnants on my teeth etc.) and hold it down for one minute. After accepting the challenge other takers offered more money and once it got up to 50 bucks it was game on! As soon as I put it in my mouth I exhaled about half of it through my nostrils. I swallowed the other half and about 15 seconds later it all came back up along with my lunch.

After vomiting a few more times, washing my nostrils out with water and consuming five entire pints of water I felt well enough to start working again. I then found out that this had been an ongoing bet and that everyone that worked in the kitchen had tried it. Tried and failed. One old dishwasher, Dennis, had done it and actually walked away 50 bucks richer but he had been the only one.

Man, the things I'll do for cash when I'm broke.

I stole this from bvborgia's journal and thought it would be interesting to post and see what kind of responses I get. And so, if you will:

Ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.

EDIT!!!!!!!!!: This was actually reposted from LordAndrei's LJ. I suppose I need to be more thorough before snagging something from someone else's journal. I apologize for not giving credit where credit was due.

So the camping went great. I caught 11 fish worth keeping and got to fish all day yesterday! We got out there Sunday night at about 10 and set up our tent. I had one beer Sunday night and none on Monday. It was a good beer but I had no urge to have another afterward. In fact I was pretty tired and turned in around 3 a.m. I woke up around 7 and fished for a couple hours before Colin woke up. I didn't catch anything but got a few big bites. I was fishing with chicken breast and it wouldn't stay on the hook very well. The night before, we tried to get some nightcrawlers but the bait shop was closed and so we got some the next morning and WERE THEY EVER BITING!!! I bet I caught 35 fish yesterday!

After sleeping on rock and not well at that, we decided to head out. However, my girlfriend, who happens to live 10 miles from where we were camping, and her daughter came out to fish with us about 7:30 pm and ended up inviting us back to their house to crash. We went there and cleaned the fish(my girlfriend RULES!!!) and ate a few, then showered and went to bed. Neither one of us had had sex in 4 weeks(to the date) so we settled that and it was INSANE!!!! I thought several times that my prostate was going to shoot straight up my spine and out the top of my skull!

Yesterday was one of the best days I've ever had. Myself, my girlfriend, her daughter, my best friend, my midget buddy and his wife and kids and a few others are all going canoeing this coming Sunday. Life is good.

I'm off to work.

The new job is going well. It gets terribly busy at night and over lunch but it's also very challenging. We make everything from scratch from dressings to sides to pretty garnishes, you name it. The menu is kind of a new mexican contemporary ecclectic(at least for this area) sort of thing. Some pastas with a cuban sort of twist, some sandwiches and new features that change every night. Yesterday I made a wild mushroom demi-glaze that got served over a bacon wrapped mahi-mahi filet and the day before I made the feature appetizer which consisted of jabenero-crab stuffed empanadas with a cream sherry sauce. YUMMMMMMM!!!

It's been a week since I've had a drink. It's weird, because I've been out to the bar twice in that week with my friends and haven't had a drink. Things don't seem as relaxed or funny or light-hearted when I'm not drinking and others are. I get bored and distracted easily without the focal point of alcohol. Any thoughts?

I have today and Monday off and don't work Tuesday until 4. I worked 46 hours last week! Because of this I'm going camping tonight with my best friend. This means all day tommorrow I'll be doing nothing but FISHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may even have a beer or two. We'll see.

I dreamed about fishing all night last night. I can't wait.

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